


Hiraeth

by the_inner_darkness



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Crying, How Do I Tag, I'm Going to Hell, Male-Female Friendship, Seizures, Sorry Not Sorry, Twins, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-07-27 21:53:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20053099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_inner_darkness/pseuds/the_inner_darkness
Summary: As she lay in her bed, she thought of sweet smiles and wicked grins.Of bitter chocolate and salty tears shed into warm sweaters on cold nights.As she lay in her bed, she thought how they could have had it all.She felt the longing for the home she could not return to.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> HIYA! This is my first work here, and something I'm just experimenting with. I'M KINDA EXCITED ABOUT THIS AND HOW IT'LL PAN OUT. 
> 
> HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY :)

* * *

_Red. _

The color of a pretty rose.

_Red._

The color of her mother's lips as she curled them in disgust.

_Red._

The color of the sky at the sunset, fiery and beautiful.

_Red._

The color of the blood that dripped down her face as she faded from consciousness.

* * *

"...and then I dropped everything and-Ashia? Are you even listening?" Anisha waved a hand if front of her sister's face.

"Yes, of course. Who is that guy anyway?" 

"Who is that- if you'd look up from your book, you'd know. How many times have I told you to talk to people?" Anisha gave Ashia an exasperated look. 

"Well, I talk to you, and I talk to Ansh, and I talk to Srishti. Do I need to talk to anyone else?" Ashia retorted.

"I don't count. Neither do Ansh and Srishti. How long have we known them now?"

"Eleven years, I think."

Anisha laughed. "It feels like forever, like they've always been a part of us. But you really do need to go out and interact with more people. What will happen when I'm gone?" She teased.

A small smile settled on Ashia's lips, rare and just a faint upturn of lips. "I guess you'll just have to stick around forever then," she mused.

_Then what is this feeling of dread?_

"Ashia, you're spacing out again..."

Ashia was jolted back to reality, and she came face to face with Anisha's worried stare.

"Sorry, I don't know what's happening lately. You were saying something about a guy...?" Ashia trailed off.

"Right!" Anisha slammed her palms on the table, looking excited. "His name is Faiz. He's in our French class, you've probably seen him..." She pulled out a picture on her phone. 

He was _gorgeous._

Pretty like a poisonous flower trying to lure unsuspecting insects in.

Pretty like a cat waiting to pounce on its prey.

The kind of boy mothers warned their daughters to stay away from.

Ashia just sighed. "Just be careful. Somethung about him doesn't settle right with me."

Anisha beamed. "You've got nothing to worry about!"

"I have to worry about you because you don't worry about yourself, you know," Ashia rolled her eyes. "You trust people too easily." 

Even so, she couldn't help but be happy for her twin sister. 

Anisha suddenly got up from her chair. "Ansh! There you are!"

A tall, lean figure could be seen flinching near the stairway. "Damn, I've been caught again," he muttered. "You're way too good at finding me, Anisha. Ashia, why don't you rub off on her? She's like a demon and you're like an angel, even though you both look the same," Ansh whined.

Ashia let out a quiet giggle. "Don't pretend you don't still love her, even though she steals your sweaters."

Ansh rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm never getting those back, am I?"

"Nope!" Anisha chimed in cheerfully. "They're warm and they don't match your cold, cold heart so I'm keeping them."

Ansh looked scandalized. Ashia snorted.

Ashia looked up at Ansh, " Where's Srishti? Isn't she usually around with you?"

"She's actually sick right now, someone should warn her about going swimming in winters or she's going to freeze her head off." He said with exasperated fondness.

"Wow, she's really going all out this year, isn't she?" Anisha looked excited, which was mildly concerning. They already had one irrational person on their hands and didn't need another. 

The lunch bell rang and they stood to make their way to class. 

"Ashia, save me! Ansh is bullying me," Anisha whined. Ansh merely chuckled.

Ashia turned around to raise an eyebrow and her blood ran cold.

She couldn't move a muscle. 

_What's happening?_

She felt a piercing pain sear through her head and heard ringing in her ears.

She could hear Anisha and Ansh's voices call out to her worriedly.

"Ashia...what's wrong?"

_Why can't I move?_

For the first time, she yearned to speak, but her body failed her.

_Someone...please!_

Her vision blurred and knees buckled. She felt someone's arms gripping her before she fell to the floor and vaguely heard someone shouting her name before her world turned to black.

* * *

Ashia felt the pounding in her head before she opened her eyes. 

She cracked open an eyelid and immediately regretted it. The lights of the infirmary blinded her. She closed her eyes again and settled against the sheets.

She heard Anisha speaking in hushed, but hurried tones with another woman. 

_The nurse?_

_No._

"Oh honey, you're awake! You really shouldn't worry your sister like that. Now you're awake, I'll be off!"

_Why the falsely saccharine voice?_

_Why pretend to care?_

Ashia looked up to see Anisha's expression mirroring her thoughts.

_Disgust, contempt, and confusion._

Ashia sighed and closed her eyes again and fell back into unconsciousness.

* * *

When she came to again, it was Ansh's face peering down at her.

He breathed a sigh of relief, lightly punching her shoulder. "Don't you dare worry us like that again," he breathed, and pulled her into a hug.

_"...you really shouldn't worry your sister like that..."_

_She wasn't worried. Not her own daughter._

She felt a surge of anger towards their mother but decided to subdue it. She turned towards Ansh.

Ashia gently smiled. She was doing that a lot today.

_Fake._

"I probably overworked myself, I do have that major performance next week."

_ Lies. _

"Promise me you'll take care of yourself. I don't want to see you like that again." He looked scared.

"Don't worry, Ansh. I'm okay now." Ashia tried to reassure him.

_No._

_  
_

_I'm trying to reassure myself._

_  
_

_"...I'm okay now..."_

_  
_

_Am I?_


	2. you smile just like an angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIYA! This took a bit long to write, but I really like the dynamics in this chapter!
> 
> HAVE FUN READING!

There's a voice in Ashia's head.

It sounds a little like her mother's, but mostly it sounds like hers. 

People always say that the little voice in your brain that tells you what to do is your conscience.

Ashia does not think that this voice is her conscience.

Your conscience isn't supposed to demand perfection.

Your conscience isn't supposed to tear into you, rip you apart the minute you make the tiniest mistake.

Your conscience isn't supposed to make you want to die.

* * *

_ Pain.  _

Searing hot through her cheek as blood rushed to her face, her eyes clouded with rage. 

_ 'Will I ever be enough for you? Will the tears I shed, the hard work I put in, ever be enough to satisfy you?' _

  
  


_ No.  _

I'm not enough. 

_ 'You're not pretty like your sister. You're not smart like your classmates. What do you have going for you?' _

  
  


Nothing. 

Is that all I'll ever be? 

  
  


_ If I disappear, would you shed a tear?  _

  
  


_ -wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older, all this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.  _

Ashia jolted awake, tears tracking her face and wetting pale cheeks. 

_ Why that dream? Why now?  _

Anisha yawned from the other side of the bed, turning over. Ashia hastily dried her eyes, not wanting to explain to her sister why she was in tears. 

“Ashia? Why are you up so early, go back to sleep,” she murmured sleepily.

“Yeah,” Ashia whispered softly, getting up and gently padding over to the sofa. 

She took a calming breath and plugged in her headphones, listening to music to calm herself. 

_ Heavy metal.  _

She loved loud music. The kind that drowned out the other sounds, and was loud enough to silence her thoughts and the nagging voice in her head. 

Quickly throwing on sweatpants and a comfortable hoodie, Ashia decided to go to the nearby park to clear her head. Looking around, she saw no signs of anyone else being awake and glanced at the clock. 

5:45 am. 

The park would be mostly empty, except for the occasional jogger.  _ Perfect. _

She closed the door softly and started walking to the park. It was nice and chilly outside, but not cold enough for her to have to wear warmers. 

Ashia started to jog as she neared the park. Looking around, there were only a few people there; a couple of elderly women meditating, people walking dogs. Getting on the jogging track, she broke into a run.

She turned up the volume on her music. 

_ Black Veil Brides.  _

She closed her eyes, letting herself drown in the music.

  
  


And promptly crashed into someone.

She fell backwards, her side hitting the ground. She winced in pain and heard a groan. Looking up, she saw a lean figure, rubbing his head. 

He looked down and grinned sheepishly, extending a hand. 

Ashia hesitantly took his hand, getting up and dusting herself off. She turned around, murmuring a quiet  _ thank you _ ; as she saw who it was, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

_ “...his name is Faiz. He’s in our French class, you’ve probably seen him…” _

“YOU!” Ashia suddenly shouted, surprising both herself and Faiz. He recoiled, shaking his head at her sudden change in temperament.

Faiz shouted back reflexively, “WHAT?”

“WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT THIS HOUR? QUIET DOWN!”

“WELL YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SHOUTED FIRST!”

A gray cat, who was earlier circling Faiz’s legs, hissed at the loud noise and ran toward the bushes.

“LOOK, YOU SCARED THAT CAT, THE POOR THING.”

“WHAT CA- OH SHIT THAT’S MY CAT!”

Faiz ran behind the cat, managing to get it out of the bush, but not without a few scratches.

Ashia started laughing, seeing the cat’s annoyed expression, as if it had been caught ripping a textbook or chewing an indoor plant and its plans had been thwarted.

As she calmed down, Faiz playfully scolded the cat. Turning towards her, he said, “Sorry about that. He can get a little naughty sometimes.” He grinned. “I’m Faiz, by the way, and this cute little devil is Skye.”

He had a dazzling smile.

“I’m Ashia,” She looked curiously at Skye. “Can I pet him?”

Faiz held Skye out to Ashia. “Of course. He likes to act aloof, but he enjoys the attention. Especially that of a pretty girl.” He flashed her a nasty grin.

She looked at him, surprise painting her features. “Thank you, but flattery will get you nowhere. I apologize for bumping into you and scaring off your cat.”

Faiz merely chuckled. “Why are you even here, at six in the morning?”

“I could ask you the same thing myself.”

“Avoiding the question, I see.” He gasped. “Don’t tell me you’re a part of the mafia, here to kill the unsuspecting elderly?”

Ashia raised an eyebrow. This guy was weird, not to mention a tad creepy. He did, however, have an air of charisma about him.

Skye meowed loudly, bringing their attention to him. He stared at Faiz with an almost bored look.

“He must be getting hungry, I’m going to have to take him home. Sorry,” Faiz sighed.

“Go feed the hungry little monster,” Ashia looked at the gray Persian and the corners of her mouth twitched upward. 

“I’LL SEE YOU AT SCHOOL!”

  
  


* * *

Ashia entered the house, shutting the door silently so she wouldn’t accidentally wake anyone up, and tiptoed to her room. She opened the door a crack, seeing Anisha smirking at her.

Ashia rolled her eyes.  “Come on, we’re getting late for school.”

“Oh, you’re excited for school now? Make any new friends?”

_ How does she know?  _

Her surprise must’ve showed on her face because Anisha giggled. “I saw you bump into him. It was hilarious, really. The first friend you make on your own, and you nearly give them a concussion.”

“Don’t make me hit you.”

Anisha merely cackled. 

* * *

As they walked to their class, they saw Ansh rushing toward them, Srishti following not far behind. Both of them had their French books with them and were wearing equally desperate looks.

“Srishti! Are you all right now?” Anisha beamed.

“Yeah, but I won’t be if you don’t help us finish conjugating these verbs.”

“We took all morning, but we managed only four,” Ansh chimed in. 

“Dumbass, don’t tell them that,” Srishti hissed and smacked him.

Anisha sighed. “Seriously, I love y’all, but sometimes you can be so  _ stupid. _ ”

They grinned, as if they knew that and were proud of it.

Ashia flicked Srishti’s forehead. “Come, we’ll sit in the courtyard and finish them. They can’t be that hard.”

“Says the genius.”

Ashia turned around and glared at her. Srishti threw her hands up defensively.

“Sometimes I think you and Ansh share a single brain cell, and you don’t use that either.”

“RUDE!”

Ashia and Anisha grinned at eachother, as if sharing a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE HAVE A NEW CHARACTER YASSS if you couldn't already tell I really like Faiz he's such a sweet guy.
> 
> HOPE Y'ALL LIKED IT!


	3. i don't know my name

The bell rang, signaling the start of class. Their teacher was on leave that day, so they had a free lesson. Ashia decided to go to the music room to cool off and practice for her performance next week.

She plugged in her earplugs, walking to the music room. Hopefully there wouldn’t be anyone there at that time, and she could play on her own. 

She pulled out her violin, taking her time tuning it, enjoying the feeling of the strings on her fingertips. She placed the violin under her chin, took a deep breath and began playing.

_ Sonata No. 9, Kreutzer. _

It started off slowly, with long, drawn-out notes and quickly rose in speed with short, sharp notes. Ashia felt her heart soar and felt invincible, like she could fly.

She never felt as free as she did while playing her music. It flowed in her veins, lighting her up and made her feel weightless.

As the piece ended, she looked up, sweat rolling down her neck. She heard applause from the other side of the room, startling her. Looking up, she saw a familiar grinning face.

“Faiz? Why are you here?”

“I was just strolling the halls, looking for some pretty girls when I heard someone play this beautiful music, and I followed the sound. Looks like I did find a pretty girl, after all,” He was still grinning. It made him look stupid, if not a little unnerving. 

Ashia’s cheeks darkened and she looked down, lowering her head. Why was he still talking to her? They had just bumped into each other by chance, and he had no reason to want to be around her.

He clicked his tongue. “Look up, why are you lowering your head?”

“I’m not-”

“You aren’t?” Faiz raised an eyebrow. Ashia silently gaped at him. 

“You need to be more confident. You also need to not think so lowly of yourself. You play the violin in a way I’ve never seen anyone play before, it’s so full of life, so pleasant to hear and so beautiful. So are you.” There was a faint red tint to his cheeks.

_ Is he...embarrassed? _

Ashia’s lips quirked up faintly. “Thank you,” she murmured softly. “I’m glad you like my music.” 

Faiz’s grin returned. Ashia looked at him suspiciously. “Why do you look like you’re planning something?”

“I want you to play it again, in front of me.”

“No.”

“Come on, I won’t laugh.”

“Not a chance.”

“Pretty please?”

Ashia gave him a withering look.

“I’ll call your sister and she’ll make you do it.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Faiz smirked. “I would.”

Ashia relented. “Fine. It probably won’t be great, but you can listen.”

She took a deep breath and adjusted the violin on her shoulder. Closing her eyes, she began playing.

Once again, she let her fingers glide over the fingerboard, enjoying the pressure of the strings on her fingers and the weight of the bow in her hand.

When she finished, she opened her eyes and looked over at Faiz. He looked at her with awe.

“You surprise me every time I see you.” He smiled. A genuine one, not a teasing grin. 

“It’s not-”

“If you try to sell yourself short, I really will smack you.”

Ashia stopped in her tracks. “Okay.”

Faiz walked over and picked up Ashia’s notebook. 

“Don’t-” She flailed her arms, trying to get it back. “Give that back!”

He simply laughed and tried to open the notebook, resisting her attempts to wrench it from his hands.

Faiz opened it to the first page.

_ These weren’t music notes. _

_ They were poems. _

He scanned the page and lowered his arms. He felt Ashia’s grip going slack.

_ If you look up at the stars,  _

_ please don’t think of me. _

_ I know I write about them so much  _

_ that it seems like they’re sewn into my soul _

_ that my pen traces them on the ground, _

_ a faint reflection of their light. _

_ but darling, stars are magic  _

_ and I am anything but. _

_ I am faded and dusty  _

_ and my eyes are lonely _

_ so think of better things _

_ think of dreams that still have hope,  _

_ of new adventures just waiting beyond the horizon. _

_ all I am is blood and bone and breath, _

_ trying my best and never quite succeeding. _

_ the stars are hopeful and tragic  _

_ and all I am is a tragedy in the making. _

Faiz looked back at Ashia with a soft, somewhat sad look in his eyes. “Can I give you a hug?”

Ashia had her head lowered and didn’t look up.

“Hey, look at me. It’ll be fine, you hear me?”

He pulled her in a hug; her hands hung limply to her sides as her head dropped on his chest. She felt sttray tears unconsciously slipping out of her eyes and rubbed at her eyes.

He murmured soothing words in her ears, rubbing her back gently as her silent tears turned to quiet sobs and hiccups. He held her tightly as she quietly cried into his chest. 

_ I came here to play music, to set myself free. How did it end up like this? _

_ Maybe all I needed was for someone to reassure me that all would be okay. _

Ashia pulled away from Faiz, drying her eyes.

“I’m sorry for creating such a mess, and ruining your shirt,” she said shakily.

“You’re really worried about my shirt? It doesn’t matter. And I’m sorry for taking your things without permission. Anyway, what matters is if you’re okay.”

Ashia shook her head. “I’ll be fine. I probably overworked-”

“No. This is something that’s much more than being tired or overworking yourself. You’ve been holding that back for a long time.”

“How do you know?”

He answered with a somber look. “I’ve seen too many people in your place too many times.”

* * *

Ashia gathered her things, packing her violin and slinging the case over her shoulder. “We should get back to class.”

“We can afford to be a few minutes late.”

Ashia suddenly heard a familiar voice shout her name, seeing Anisha approach them. “Ashia! There you are. I’ve been looking for you all over, then I figured you’d be in the music room. Come, the teacher’s going to come soon.”

Anisha spotted Faiz walking next to her, and seeing her red rimmed eyes, she narrowed her eyes at him. “Did you say something to her?”

Faiz threw up his hands defensively. “I did not. She’s alright, don’t worry. I took good care of her.” He shot her a cheeky grin.

Ashia and Anisha shot him identical looks of disgust. He clutched his chest dramatically. “Oh, you wound me.”

Ashia giggled and took Anisha’s hand. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took quite a bit of time, sorry about that! Hope y'all like it!


	4. if teardrops could be bottled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! I'm very sorry it took so long for me to post this, but hopefully y'all like it!

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. Ashia picked up her books, going outside class to put them in her locker, when she saw a familiar figure approaching.

“Ansh, if you’re going to try to scare me, it’s not going to work.”

He let out a defeated sigh and walked towards her. She simply grinned at him. “When you’re quiet, you can hear and see more.”

“Are you implying I’m loud?” Ansh looked offended.

Ashia merely shrugged.

Ansh gasped in horror.

Ashia burst into laughter, quiet giggles escaping her lips. She closed her locker door and locked it, and suddenly froze.

She felt a sense of deja vu. Her ears rang and her head was spinning, yet she couldn’t move a muscle. 

_ Again? Why is this happening again? _

“Ashia? What’s wrong?”

Her body began to convulse and she fell to her knees, her forehead hitting the lockers. Pain shot through her skull and she cried out.

“I’m going to go get a teacher. Don’t try getting up, you’ll only hurt yourself.” 

Ashia whimpered. “It hurts.”

_ It hurts so much. _

Ansh looked her over again. “Shit, ANISHA!” He screamed. “Get over here, quick!”

Anisha couldn’t hear him. He ran as fast as he could across the hall, slipping a few times and panting hard but still frantically ran, looking for help. 

Ashia groaned in pain and touched her head, her hand coming away sticky and warm. Her vision swam as she saw her blood covered fingers and felt bile rise in her throat, nausea clouding her vision. 

_ Red. _

The color of a pretty rose.

_ Red. _

The color of her mother's lips as she curled them in disgust.

_ Red. _

The color of the sky at sunset, fiery and beautiful.

_ Red. _

The color of the blood that dripped down her face as she faded from consciousness.

* * *

_ “What happened? Ansh, why does she look so pale? Oh no, there’s so much blood.” _Ashia recognized the hysterical voice as Anisha’s, but it sounded very far away, as if she were underwater.

_ “I-I didn’t know what to do, and she’s lost a lot of blood. At least we’re on the way to the hospital.” _

* * *

Ashia tried opening her eyes, but all she could feel was a massive throbbing in her head. 

“Ashia? Oh, you’re awake. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Close your eyes.” This voice sounded like Srishti’s.

She closed her eyes and lost consciousness again.

* * *

When Ashia regained consciousness, she was in a bed in a white hospital room with blinding lights, a pungent smell and white walls. She looked around, seeing an IV attached to her arm and a pouch of blood.

_ Blood transfusion. _

_ I must have hit my head pretty hard. _

The second thing she noticed was a body slumped in a chair, asleep, but strongly gripping her hand, as if clinging to it for dear life.

_ Anisha. _

Ashia tried to sit up, wincing as her head spun. She accidentally jostled Anisha, who opened her eyes sleepily. 

"Oh, YOU'RE awake-ASHIA YOU'RE AWAKE!" She shot up from the chair and hugged Ashia tightly. 

Ashia closed her eyes and put her arms around Anisha. She felt her bury her face in her shoulder, and Anisha started shaking. Ashia gently patted her shoulder, "Hey, I'm okay now." 

"You lost so much blood. Ansh tried to carry you, and he looks like he's fought in a war," she cried. 

Ashia slowly pulled away and gave her a reassuring smile which didn't quite reach her eyes. Her head was heavy from the effort of holding back tears but she maintained her facade. 

They heard the door open, and a nurse walked in, smiling. "Hello, I'm Jessie. How are you feeling now?" 

Ashia lifted her hand and touched her forehead, wincing and pain tore through her head. Jessie grimaced and walked over to a cabinet, pulling out a bottle of pills. 

"This painkiller should help. There's a glass of water on the bedside table. I'll let the doctor know you're awake."

Ashia put the pill to her lips, fumbling a couple of times before popping it in her mouth. She looked towards the bedside table and her head spun, vision blurring. With shaky hands, she picked up the cup of water and brought it to her mouth, spilling a few drops in the process.

Anisha put a hand on Ashia’s shoulder. “Are you okay? You look a little shaky.”

Ashia frowned. Why was the room spinning? Why were her hands shaking? She faintly heard Anisha call out for her but she couldn’t respond.

_ Why does this keep happening? _

She felt someone place a hand on her back and coughed, gulping in air. The doctor had arrived sometime when she blanked out. He turned to Ashia with a troubled look on his face. 

“Has something like this ever happened before?”

Ashia frowned. “Y-Yes. I was walking in the halls a few days ago, and I froze. Do you know what’s wrong?”

The doctor and Jessie exchanged a concerned look. “Maybe, but we should run a scan to be sure. Jessie, could you please help her up and into the wheelchair?” He turned to Ashia. “We’re going to take a look at your brainwaves and see if we can find out what’s wrong. Hopefully, then we can find out what exactly is happening.” He smiled.

_ I’m sorry I’m broken. _

_ I'm sorry I can't be normal. _

Ashia pulled off the covers, shivering as her feet touched the cold floor. She stood up, immediately collapsing as her knees gave out. She heaved, a wave of nausea hitting her as she clutched the supports next to the bed. She faintly heard screaming and felt hands on her shoulders and back, hoisting her up into a wheelchair. Her head throbbed and she cried, dizziness overtaking her. Spots danced in her vision, and she slumped forward.

* * *

Ashia woke up again in the same hospital room, with the bright lights, white walls and white curtains. This time, there were more people in the room. The doctor and the nurse -_Jessie_\- walked over to her.

"How are you feeling?"

Ashia blinked. "I feel okay, my head hurts a little, though."

Jessie sighed. "You had a seizure. More than one, actually."

"A...seizure?"

"Yes. You were unconscious for quite a few hours."

The doctor interjected, looking resigned. "We ran a few tests. There is a cyst in the front of your brain. The good news is it's not fatal, but will cause disturbances in your routine. You might have similar seizures again, and it may also cause frequent headaches and you might have difficulty responding sometimes." He rubbed his forehead. "We will put you on medication that controls this, though. Most of the time, you should feel normal."

"Thank you, doctor."

"I'll call your sister inside now. You'll be discharged tomorrow, so just stay here and rest for today." Jessie smiled. Asia merely nodded.

As Jessie left the room, Ashia pulled up her knees to her chest and cried. She felt two arms wrap around her as Anisha cried with her. 

"You'll be fine, you hear? They're going to fix this."

Ashia nodded again, furiously wiping her tears from her face. Anisha gave her a watery smile and climbed into the bed with her.

Suddenly, the door opened with a loud bang.

Faiz's head poked in, grinning his usual cheeky grin. He pushed his messy bangs out of his eyes and held up a bag.

"I hope y'all like dark chocolate."

Ashia burst into laughter, Anisha and Faiz staring at her as if she was mad. 

Ashia shrugged and grabbed the bag, popping a piece of chocolate in her mouth. She hummed in delight and pressed another piece to Anisha's lips. "Open up."

Anisha opened her mouth swallowing the chocolate and patted the bed in front of her. She gave Faiz a grin, not unlike his own. "So, I hear you've been hanging out with my dear sister lately."

Ashia froze next to her. 

_ I forgot to tell her, didn't I? _

She giggled. "He might look like that, but he's actually not as cool as he thinks."

Faiz gasped in mock offense. Anisha was laughing so hard that she almost fell off the bed. 

She grinned evilly. "Wait till those girls who follow you around find out."

An offended shriek of annoyance and disbelief could be heard across the hospital floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried making these amazing picrew images of Ashia and Anisha I just gotta figure out how to embed them in here.
> 
> WELL, DID YA LIKE IT? HATE IT? LEMME KNOW.


	5. frozen cold and burning hot

Ashia decided to skip class the next day, choosing to stay home with Anisha. 

"We'll watch Star Wars," Anisha grinned, setting up the TV. She turned it on, popping one of the chocolates Faiz had brought in her mouth. "These are really good, are you you don't want some?" 

Ashia shook her head. "You can have them." She turned her head as the opening music started playing. 

Anisha looked at her suspiciously.

Something is really wrong. 

She doesn't want me to know. She doesn't want me to worry. 

How could I not worry? 

She sighed. Ashia was very closed off, even towards her. She usually kept quiet even if something was troubling her, not wanting to bother those around her.

She could never be a bother.

She looked over at Ashia again, seeing a single tear slip down her cheek. "Ashia?" She paused the movie. 

Ashia's lip trembled. Anisha swiped her thumb under her eye, wiping away tears. She pulled Ashia in a hug, feeling her limp body rest against hers and petted her head gently. 

Ashia sniffled. " It’s the worst. I just walk around with this deep, aching sadness in me all the time, this heaviness in my chest. Is it longing for something else or my heart just beginning to give up beating? Maybe a bit of both? Either way I wish I could push the feeling away. It keeps me in chains. I stay locked away, talking to barely anyone, except you, Ansh and Srishti, hating to even go outside and be with people, hating to see myself in the mirror and remind myself I’m human. I had dreams, interests, not so long ago. Where have they gone? None of them grab my attention now. What about Mama? I haven’t had a proper conversation with her in months. It’s either arguing or radio silence, and I wish I could fix it. But I’m not good enough, and the silence tells me all I need to know. There’s always so much silence and it rings in my ears. I lie awake until five in the morning and I think about all of this and when I wake up, there’s yet another pebble on me, weighing me down just a little bit more.”

Anisha looked at Ashia with pained eyes and immense guilt wrenched her heart. She wanted to cry and scream, to tell Ashia it would be all right, that she loved her and they didn’t need anyone else if they had each other. Even so, she merely rubbed her back in reassurance.

Ashia let out quiet sobs. “I don’t know what to do. My heart isn’t the same as it used to be. I’ve become something cold, someone who’s always running away, a creation of sleepless nights and jagged edges; I’m not sure that I remember how to be soft anymore. Is that okay? It feels odd. I want to ask you to be patient but I have no right to ask that. These shattered pieces make such a mess in my chest, and yet knowing how to put them back together escapes me. I’m sorry. And I know you don’t want me to be, so I’m sorry for being sorry too. It’s just that feeling like I should apologize is an emotion I can’t seem to outrun. I am too used to being broken, too used to being the one left behind, too used to my worth being something that’s never truly fixed but rather something that can change day-to-day or perhaps minute-to-minute. I don’t know if I should run or beg you to hold me a little tighter. I don’t know how to make this frozen heart of mine thaw or these trembling hands to stop shaking. I don’t know if I can be enough for anyone anymore.”

Is this what she’s been living with? 

I’m sorry you ever had to feel this way. I’m sorry for not noticing.

I’m sorry I didn’t help.

Anisha gripped Ashia tightly as they both cried.

* * *

Ashia woke up to the stirring of the coffee machine. Sitting up, she winced as she felt a cramp in her neck.  I shouldn't have slept on the sofa.

Anisha brought her a cup of steaming coffee. “Thought you might need this,” she said, smiling softly.

Ashia took it from her, nodding gratefully as she pressed the cup to her lips…

...instantly burning her tongue.

She let out an uncharacteristically loud yell, quickly setting the cup down on the table and sprinting to the kitchen, fanning her mouth. Frantically opening the freezer, she put an ice cube in her mouth and slumped to the floor.

She heard giggling from the sofa, and looked up to see Anisha struggling to hold back laughter. She shot her a glare. Anisha just sipped her coffee, still giggling.

The cursed coffee.

Ashia stood up, walking over to pick up the  still hot  mug. “I'm going to put this in the freezer.” She added some sugar and milk. “There, now we have cold coffee. It tastes just as good  and doesn't burn people.”

They heard a knock on the door. Anisha went opened it a crack, peeking outside. She let out a pained groan.

Some giggling could be heard on the other side, accompanied by an exclamation of “Rude!” by a very distinctive familiar voice.

Ashia gave Anisha a look. “Open it.”

“Not with who's on the other side.”

“Who is it?” 

“How did he even find out where we live?”

Ashia gave her an exasperated sigh and opened the door, met by the faces of Faiz, Ansh and Srishti. They cheered.

Faiz walked in, setting a container on the kitchen shelf. “We come bearing cookies.” He looked around. “Oh, coffee!” 

“That’s not a good idea-”

He picked it up, not listening and put it to his lips, taking a large sip. He paused before letting out a scream.

“Why do you have  lava  instead of coffee?”

Ashia sighed and walked over to the freezer, taking out an ice cube. “Welcome to the club.”

They turned around to see Anisha bent over, shaking with laughter, and Ansh and Srishti straining and holding back laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> WELL? DO Y'ALL LIKE IT?


End file.
